|
 WHAT
happens before kick-off is as crucial as the game itself.
To ensure our team have the best possible chance of winning,
it is essential that the team perform a series of simple rituals.
Preparations begin in the dressing room. The oldest player
in the team must bounce the ball to the youngest player who
should catch the ball and hold on to it- and therefore onto
good luck.
This also represents the older player passing on his knowledge
to his younger team mate,
A word of warning, however: if young the younger player fails
to catch the ball, we will definitely lose.
Having a good eye for the ball is vital, of course. To improve
their sight, the players should draw a sapphire - or emerald
if they prefer - across each closed eyelid.
When the players walk out from the dressing room they must
do so in order of seniority - the oldest player leading, followed
by the second oldest and so on, with the youngest coming on
last.
Stepping onto the pitch is a little trickier than it seems
because every player must put their left foot down first.
I suggest they practise this a few times to ensure no one
trips and falls on their right foot. That would be extremely
bad luck.
Once they're out, the centre forward and goalkeeper must
follow these simple rules. The centre forward must touch or
kick both goalposts to bring good luck, while the goal keeper
has to bounce the ball three times on the centre spot before
kick-off.
Hopefully the team will be fighting fit, but there's always
a chance someone will get cramp - which would be a devastating
blow. Luckily there's a way to prevent this, by wearing a
ring made of iron on the third finger of either hand. Unfortunately,
though, any old bit of iron will not suffice: the iron must
come from nails on a church door or coffin, so it could take
some time to find.
Wearing a ring in the shape of a twisted serpent - a Caduceus
-brings good health and prevents quarrels, so if everyone
wears one there will be tremendous team spirit and harmony.
If the players feel that wearing rings is cumbersome, they
might consider embroidering a Caduceus design on their shorts.
There's a rumour going round that the opposition have been
eating the flowers of pomegranate trees to bring them good
luck, which is an ancient Italian superstition.
WE MUST go on the attack here. We don't want to give them
an unfair advantage, so we're just going to have to eat them
too. This is important, because I have a strong sense that
the other side are going to figure prominently in the tournament.
The Tibetans employ special breathing techniques to increase
body heat and give them sharp bursts of energy. The famed
Lung-gom-pas runners could sprint for days on end at incredible
speeds.
Our team can achieve the same sort of physical prowess by
breathing in through the mouth with clenched teeth and breathing
out through the nose.
Now I know it's traditional for the players' wives and girlfriends
to watch the match but there is a problem here, because a
woman can put the evil eye on a man's victories. It wouldn't
be fair to tell the women that they cant watch the game, but
I do think they'll have to reach a compromise and close their
eyes at critical stages -when someone looks like they're going
to score, for example.
Following these simple rules will swing the forces of fate
in our favour. Bringing positive energy to them in a ritualistic
way will energise the team on a subtle level and, hopefully,
lead them to victory.
|
Fans
can bring good luck to the team by following Craig's top tips:
|
CRAIG'S
GOOD LUCK TIPS:
|
1. Thread the root of a water figwort plant on a
piece of string and wear it round your neck to project
your good health onto your team.
2. Have a live lizard in the room when you're watching
the match on TV.
3. Collective concentrated thinking towards the goal
will send the ball flying Into the net.
4. Make an ancient charm -traditionally used to attract
a lover to attract the Cup. Collect ash keys (ash
tree berries), an acorn and models of two twisted
snakes and a lizard. Glue them together to make a
badge to be worn during the match.
5. The more banners, singing and chanting the better
- they drive away spirits of bad luck.
6. Carry salt in your pocket.
7. Learn this mantra and chant it during the game
and in the bath:
Bring it over the hills tonight. Over the meadows,
over the moor. Over the threshold, and in at the door.
Acorn cup and ashen key, bid my Cup come to me.
8. Using the power of meditation, the Tibetans are
said to be able to create a power field which manifests
itself in the form of a genie, called a Tulpa. Craig
believes that if everyone channels their life force
into creating a Tulpa with ace football skills, the
team will have a brilliant 12th player. However, if
Tulpa becomes visible to the referee, problems could
arise.
.
|
|
CRAIG'S
CURSE:
|
BEFORE every match, place a curse on the opposing
team. Get two left boots or shoes - they don't have
to match - and place your hands on them while chanting
this mantra:
With two left boots I curse thee,
Stumbling with cramp, unable to see. Retreat,
oh enemy of our victory,
And May our Merrie team's spell of ill-luck,
Rob you of the glory of the Cup!
|
More
Mad articles from Craig that he has inflicted on the unsuspecting
public through the newspapers:
Sexual Phrenology
(Sunday Mirror)
The Dark
Side of the Stars (Daily Mail)
Pet Astrology (Daily
Mail)
Make a comment
about this article. Is it silly enough for you?
Also have
some fun with our Cosmic Jokes board
Back to Press Clippings
|
OPENING TO THE OTHER SIDE -
How to become a psychic or medium.
